Dear Evil Stepmom,
I am a 20-year-old girl who lives with my father and stepmother and two kids, ages 8 and 10, which they have together. I did not move in with my father until I was 15, and before that I barley knew him. I had met my step mom a few times when I was about 9 years old.
At that age I clearly remember her making it clear that she did not want me around. My father had left me alone with her a few times so he could go to work, and she would make me stay in the spare room all day or she would lock me outside in the hot sun all day. My dad would tell her to put sunscreen on me, but she said it wasn't her job. After spending this short amount of time with her I was afraid to go back and see her.
My mom confronted my dad about the way his new wife treated me and she lied to him about what actually happened. My mom decided that since my dad was basically not willing to do anything about the situation that it would be best if I did not see him again.
For the next seven years I didn't see or talk to my father. It wasn't until I turned 15 that I took it upon myself to start a relationship with him. While visiting him I decided to that I wanted to live with him. During this time my step mom was still very cold towards me and I noticed that she would avoid me.
My dad told me that she said she had tried all that she could to make a relationship with me, but that I wasn't keeping up my end of it. This was not at all true. I would try all the time to talk to her and show interest in things that she liked, I would even do more than my share around the house. No matter what I did she just didn't want me there.
My dad told me that she did not want me to move in, but that he did, so I moved in. During the next few years I continued to try and build a bond with her, but still nothing. It seemed like she had gotten fed up with my dad letting me live with them so she resorted to making up things about me.
One day she told my dad that she did not want me to be alone with the younger children. I was very hurt and confused by this because I had always had a good relationship with them. She told my dad that at my age it just made her uncomfortable to let me play with the kids. I still don’t understand this since I have done nothing that would make me a bad example to them.
At the time I was a straight A high school student who had already taken college courses and had never been in any kind of trouble.
She also made it clear that she did not want my dad spending money on me. When my dad took me and the other kids school shopping she flat out told him that he better not spend much money on me. During those first years she also made a habit of excluding me from family outings and vacations.
When I turned 16 she made my dad force me to get a job, this was a problem because I was a full time high school/college student with no time to spare. I ended up leaving at 5AM everyday and coming home at 12 in the morning after work.
All of these things began to weigh on me and by the time I turned 18 I moved out on my own. When I moved out my step mom made my dad cut all ties with me and she told him that I was not allowed to come back to the house or ever see the kids.
For a few months I was doing fine until my roommate skipped out on the rent. My mom ended up calling my dad and explaining the situation. My dad raced over to my place and took me back to his house. My step mom agreed to let me move back in, but nothing with her changed.
I am now turning 20 and she still refuses to respect me as a person and continues to make it known that she wants me out. Just the other day she told my dad that she thinks the few hours that I am at home are too much for her. My question is should I continue to try and form a relationship with her? Is there a better way to make a connection with her? Or should I just continue to co-exist with her until I can move out?
Signed,
Confused Stepdaughter
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Dear Evil Stepmom,
My 21-year-old stepdaughter came to visit us last Christmas Break, then just kind of didn’t go back to school. I asked my husband what was going on—I don’t think it occurred to him to even ask her himself—and she finally told him that she didn’t want to go back to school. She wanted to take a “semester off."
I smelled a rat, and pressed my husband to find our what was going on; he made her show him her report card. Then he learned that she was actually on academic probation. I was furious that he wasn’t more on top of her school performance (after all, it was costing us over $50K every year to send her away to school and her mom doesn’t help at all).
My husband and I made a deal about the conditions under which she could stay with us until she decided what to do, they worked through it, and she settled in. By spring, she had stopped keeping the agreement and he stopped monitoring it. This summer, they had a big fight and she got a full time job just to show him she didn’t need him. She didn’t speak to either of us until August, though she continued to live with us.
We have both been looking forward to her departure—having her here has been a real strain on our marriage. Then, just before this past Christmas we learned that she is in deep credit card debt. She’s evidently had a card of her own since she was in college, and now she’s over $30K in debt.
My husband is finally angry with her. He wants to pay off the debt, then start taking her paychecks away from her and giving her a monthly allowance. My husband, who has never checked a report card or a chore chart in his life, who never keeps his agreements with any of his kids, is going to administer his 22-year-old's expenses???
This is a big sore point between us. I don’t believe he’d be able to hold to this any better than he has any other “agreement.” She’s 22 years old and it’s too late for an allowance, I say. We’ve been bailing her out since I met her, and I think we need to do something different.
Any ideas would be appreciated. I’m really starting to resent his kids.
Signed,
Skeptical in Tacoma
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Dear Evil:
Our kids are age 22 (daughter-his) and 19 (son-mine and daughter-his). For years the holidays were crazy with 2 custody schedules but we just always made whatever day we were together "the holiday" and in our decision making for everything we just always put the kids first.
The girls' Mom was always in the picture but once she remarried, she was ready for a family again and time became evenly shared and holidays rotated. We lived 2 miles apart and have co-parented so well that others had asked how we did it. That was up until college started for the youngest and Mom moved an hour away.
Problem:
Mom and her hubby tend to be very competitive and are in a position to "buy" everything. I am more practical and am trying to teach the value of earning your rewards and enjoying the most precious thing--time together. I.e.--The elder had a problem with truth telling and numerous times lied about car where abouts. One day she called and asked for the car and was going to put her bike in the backseat to meet her boyfriend--I said, “No--please wait 30 minutes till I get home. I'll put the bike rack on and you can go.” She was gone with the car and bike when I got home.
We decided to take the car for a month. That weekend Mom and stepdad bought her a car--which she totaled in 3 weeks.
Current:
Kids are now in college. We try to actually spend some TIME together which is tough with 3 different holiday schedules for kids, plus we both work and they have other holiday obligations with boy/girlfriends, friends etc. Grandparents are another issue in itself.
So, we do try to work out a bit of time together and that poses a challenge. We try to be VERY flexible and don't ask much. It can be frustrating when someone "pops in" for the meal unexpectedly (and usually has a friend or two). We do not know when they will be coming or going. With no kids in the house--our meal shopping is not the same and requires a bit of planning. I have asked for plans for when they may come and go etc or a quick phone call. Younger one is great--older one is....a challenge!
This year Mom and stepdad decided they would take a yachting trip to the Caribbean for 10 days over Christmas break. (the kids have only 2 weeks off from school) So we didn't really get the chance for a holiday. Oh, and when they came home--she still wanted a day to do "Christmas" and then lavished them with flat/plasma big screens for their dorm rooms, a KINDLE, tons of gift cards, etc etc. And then they had to go to Mom’s sister's for a day too. Gee, now we get to see them for two hours one evening because that is all anyone has time for.
My two stepchildren are very different. The elder is very much like her mother …and will do nothing to displease her for fear of losing her mom. The younger is the mediator and tries to be fair; she enjoys time with both families. She is very level headed and has a big heart and loves all her parents. She wants to spend time with her sister and hates to make waves. I hate to see her in the middle.
It gets me angry that Mom can be so selfish to not allow any time for our holiday time. I am usually very easy going and I feel for the kids who it is tough with two houses. I know that the future with husbands, grandkids etc. will be tough. I am angry with the bribes and games coming from Mom which are easy for young adults to fall prey to. I am hoping to find some words of wisdom so I can inwardly have some peace with this and move forward.
Thanks for your time and I hope you have some great ideas...
Signed,
Looking for Peace
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Dear Evil Stepmom,
Confused
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Dear Evil Stepmom;
My husband has two sons, 29 and 32, who live in California, we live in Alaska. We go to visit the boys for a few weeks each winter, and it's always a disaster.
Last year, my husband's ex-wife was at his son's house when we arrived from the airport, because, according to our daughter-in-law, "Grandma comes over to swim with the kids every Friday!" It's a two-day ordeal for us to get there one time a year, and "Grandma" can't take one single Friday off???
Things like this happen all the time while we're there. Neither of his sons can be bothered to take a day off work to do things with us and the kids, and neither of their wives will adjust the kids' overloaded schedules to let us have some fun with them. My poor husband doesn't even know his grandchildren anymore, and they're very shy and quiet around us.
So, after last year's trip, I said "no more." I'm not spending lots of money and all my vacation time off to go visit people who clearly aren't interested in seeing us. And I refuse to watch my husband be abused and neglected by his sons. Especially when he's the first one they call when one of them need advice or a "loan." I've had it.
Well, it's winter again, and my husband is starting to press me about about scheduling our annual visit to see his boys. And he's making me feel like the bad guy for not wanting to go. (Apparently he forgot all about last years' debacle.)
I don't think I can do it. I don't feel I should have to. Haven't I tried hard enough?
Signed,
Angry in Anchorage
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Dear Evil Stepmom,
Next month I'm getting married to a guy with two daughters--19 and 21. The girls both go to college out of state; they will start school again in late September, a few days after our wedding.
I get along great with both of his girls, so this isn't really a stepmom question--it's more about my fiance's ex-wife. Last week, she sent him an email saying, "Given the fact that you are getting married, shouldn't we discuss you leaving money to me to cover the girls' education if anything should happen to you?" WOW. She's got him dead and me stealing all of his money from his daughters!
It sounds crazy enough, but it gets better: the girls' educations are provided for by a fund he and his ex set up together during their divorce! What would possess her to ask him for money (which is already being provided) just because we're getting married?
She's been terrible to me and to us for the three years we've been together, and has vowed in writing to never treat me with respect, so it's not as if this comes out of nowhere. But is this how it's going to be forever?
If so, I'm just not sure I can handle it. Can you give me a little help here?
Signed,
Maybe I'm the Crazy One
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Hi ESM,
I am not a stepmom but I am having major problems with my stepmom so I thought I would write to you.
When my dad and stepmom first married we didn't get along. I blame it on the timing--my parents divorced, my grandma died, and my dad remarried all in the same year. Over time we became very close. My biological mother and I didn't see much of each other after the divorce, and less over time. After a while, I started to consider my stepmom my mom.
Everything was great until I got engaged. I wanted to make her feel included so I put her name on the invitation, invited her to all the pre-wedding parties and asked if she wanted to help me plan.
Since day one she has become a different person. She gets mad when my family talks about the wedding and she is constantly yelling at my Dad because she thinks he is spending more money on my wedding than theirs. My Dad and step-mom had a small wedding but it was because my Grandma had just died and my Dad had just gone through a very difficult divorce.
She even got mad at my Dad because my engagement ring is bigger than hers and now she wants my Dad to buy her a new one. My fiance's friend owns a wedding dress store so I was able to get a fabulous dress for free and now she wants my Dad to buy her a new dress because she thinks it's unfair that mine is nicer.
These are things I don't have control over. Last month she told me I was selfish for getting married in the state where I live instead of the state where she and my Dad live. She said that she had a life and she shouldn't have to miss a week of her life to come to my wedding. We haven't talked since then.
I really miss my cool fun stepmom and I wonder if I did something along the way to make her act this way and what I can do to fix the problem.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Bewildered Bride
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Dear Evil Stepmom,
My husband's ex has been calling him a lot lately and asking him if they have a chance of reconciling. She says she wants her family back together. They have been divorced for 5 years now and she remarried 3 years ago. Meanwhile my husband and I have been married for 3 years also.
Every time we have to go to an event for the children she calls him afterward to tell him how awful it was for her, how uneasy she felt and that she cried for hours. Her husband attends all of the events too so its not like she doesn't have a supportive spouse. I have started to stay at home whenever I can come up with a good excuse just to avoid this.
I should also tell you that she is always very nice to me when we see each other, but knowing the aftermath and her attempts at reconciliation, I have become so extremely uncomfortable at these events. Anyway, we have a wedding coming up which I am totally dreading. What can I possibly do so this isn't so completely awful?
Distressed Stepmom
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Dear Evil:
My husband and I have been together for about three years, and married a little over a year. My problem is his ex-wife's family. He has a former brother- and sister-in-law who, in my opinion, are moochers. They have long enjoyed my husband's toys and, in my opinion, take advantage of his generosity. Every year they send a Christmas card and a birthday card, and keep in just enough contact to act like they're still family.
Last week, his ex sister-in-law emailed my husband to "check in," then proceeded to ask if their family could use a week at a time share my husband owns. He agreed, as he always does.
I think they're out of line and that they are using him. He says they've been friends for a long time and that it's important to him to keep relations nice for the kids' sake. (His children and their cousins are all very close.) I say he needs to wean them off the goodies they've always enjoyed at his expense, and then we'll see what their friendship looks like.
What do you think?
Signed,
Feeling used in Sacremento
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Dear Evil Stepmom,
Recently, while paying the monthly bills, I came across an envelope from my stepdaughter's university. Assuming it was the tuition bill, I opened it.
I was surprised to find two progress reports regarding her 'unacceptable performance' and 'poor attendance' in two important courses she's taking this semester.
I gave them to my husband and explained what had happened, and he understood the mistake. He then went to his daughter, told her what happened, and addressed the school problem with her.
She hasn't brought it up with me, nor have I with her. Should I say something to her about having opened the letter, or should I leave it alone?
Signed,
Feeling Bad in Boulder
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Dear ESM,
My youngest stepdaughter, Anna, was engaged last October and will be married this August. The fall and winter went by without any wedding drama, but now several wedding-related events are being planned for this summer—showers for the bride and parties for the couple—and I’m getting nervous.
I’m already stressing about seeing my husband’s ex-wife, Carol, at these events. I haven’t seen her in three years, since Anna graduated from college. At that event, Carol went out of her way to ignore me while pretending to still be married to my husband whenever she saw him. He tried to discourage her and be as cool as he could in front of the kids, but it was weird. If it weren’t for my older stepdaughter, who worked hard to make me feel welcome and included at the graduation ceremony, I would have been invisible.
For a while I worried myself sick about the wedding, but now I realize I’m going to have to spend a lot of time with Carol before the wedding if I want to be part of Anna’s celebration. I don’t want to ignore her mother, but I don’t want to feel invisible or foolish, or get snubbed, either. I’ve even thought about just graciously not going to the pre-wedding parties. Any thoughts about what I should do?
Signed,
Stepmother of the Bride
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Dear Evil Stepmom:
My 28-year-old stepson, Will, got engaged over the holidays. I've been married to his dad for 10 years this summer, and in Will's life since he was 16. We get along really well, though it was hard it the early days.
My husband's ex-wife left him for another man and took the kids with her when the children were in their early teens. Then, a year after we began dating, she wrote to him and begged him to take her back. Obviously, he didn't, which made her blame and badmouth me to their children.
All of that eventually became ancient history, and I have long enjoyed a warm and loving relationship with each of my husband's children. That is, until Will got engaged. Will and his new fiance recently came to visit us after returning from a trip to celebrate their engagement with Will's mother.
While my husband an Will were outside, my future daughter-in-law repeated several ugly things Will's mother had said about Will's father and me, including calling my husband a bad father. I blew up, told her the facts, and made it clear that no one talks about my husband that way in front of me or in our home.
She stormed out and took Will with her. We haven't heard from them in weeks. My husband thinks I made too big a deal out of it. In his opinion, no one can stop his ex from saying stupid, untruthful, or hurtful things, and I need to rise above it.
I say NO WAY--he's a good man and a great dad, and Will should set her straight. I'd appreciate any ideas, because I'm stuck.
Signed,
'Stuck' in Seattle
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Dear ESM:
I have three young adult stepkids; two in college and one who's 25 and on his own. I buy them great gifts, send them cards (always with a check) for their birthdays, call them, include them in things, and I get no thanks at all in return.
Not only that, but do you think they acknowledge my birthday, our anniversary, or do anything nice for me? No way. How do I get a little gratitude or recognition for all my effort?
Thanks,
From a stepmom who gets No Thanks
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Dear Evil Stepmom:
My wife and I have been married for two years. She has two young adult children, and I have teenager and two kids in college. My problem is that her children always ask us what things cost. They want to know how expensive our furniture was, how much our new carpeting cost, what we paid for her car. I sometimes think they're comparing how much money I make to to their father's income.
The worst incident of this happened last Christmas. My wife gave me a beautiful briefcase as a gift. I barely had it out of the box and her kids were asking how expensive it was. My kids, who know better, were dumbfounded.
My wife says she and her ex-husband always talked openly about money and the price of things they had, and that she doesn't see anything wrong with answering her kids' questions.
I say it's rude, especially when you're old enough to understand that what something costs is personal information. I'd like to tell them it's none of their business. Am I out of line here?
I don't even want a present this year; I don't want to go through that again.
Signed,
Hum-Bug
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Dear Evil Stepmom,
My stepson, Zach, has lived on and off with his father and me since he was a junior in high school. He’s now 25, and I’ve noticed something strange over these past seven years with him. It seems that when he’s living with us or living on his own, he has a lot of contact with his dad. They have a good relationship, they enjoy each other, and they like doing things together. They hunt and fish together, they work on cars together, and they build things and do repair work together.
This is the strange part: whenever Zach spends time with or lives with his mom, we don’t hear from him at all. This didn’t used to bother me, but now that Zach is married and has a 1-year-old daughter, I feel that he should keep in better contact with his dad, even when he’s with his mom.
Here’s what’s happening. When Zach and his girlfriend, Sandy (now his wife), first discovered that they were pregnant, they moved in with us to save up for the baby. We don’t have much, but they had a room of their own and a clean place to stay. They lived with us til Anna, the baby, was three months old. Then Zach’s mom called and begged with Zach to move his new family to her home in the South. I’ve been through this before with both of my husband’s sons; if they live with us or near us, everything goes well and we all get along. Then my husband’s ex pops up and wants one or both of the boys to move in with her by promising them a free place to live, jobs, contacts, etc. It never works out the way the boys hope, and they always wind up moving back here, where most of their family is. But, for the time they’re away, they don’t call their father, and he won’t call them if they’re living with his ex-wife because he doesn’t want to talk to her.
I think Zach needs to be in touch with his dad, especially now that he has a child. What can I do?
Signed,
Missing the kids in Pacific Northwest
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Dear Evil Stepmom,
My nineteen-year-old stepdaughter doesn’t want to get to know me. When she comes to stay at holidays or in the summer, we end up avoiding each other because she won’t talk to me. She gives one-word answers to my questions, barely acknowledges my coming and going from the house, and speaks to me only enough to keep her dad off her back at the dinner table.
I’ve tried really hard, but lately I find myself giving up and going to my bedroom with a book shortly after dinner. I don’t dislike her – I just can’t make contact with her. I’m not trying to replace her mom; I’m only trying to get to know her so that she—and I—can be comfortable in our home.
I’m thinking about inviting her on a trip, just the two of us, to break the ice. What do you think?
Signed,
Trying in Boston
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Dear Evil Stepmom,
My husband and I have been together for about four years now, and married less than a year. Greg, my 28-year-old stepson, just got married a few months ago. Greg and I get along really well, and I'm quite fond of his new wife. My husband and I socialize with them a good bit when they're in town, and visit them every moth or so.
My worry is about becoming a pain to them--Greg has to keep in touch with his mom, his dad, and now new in-laws and me, too! I really like them and want to befriend them, but I worry that Greg is too nice to tell me if I'm being a burden. When you really like your stepchildren, how do you know when you're overdoing it?
Signed,
Cautious Stepmom
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